I Know What You Did

“What the hell is going on, Luk’?” Bray’wen closes the tent flap behind us, a tense, jagged motion. “Are you back to doing math?” 

I sit down on one of the simple cots, wrapping my grey thermal sleeping bag around my shoulders. “It’s nothing,” I mumble, shivering in the cold. “What makes you even say that?”

“Nothing!” Bray’wen’s voice turns sharp as she paces up and down the narrow dirt space between the cots. “I saw the books, Luk’ah.” She spits out the words.  “I know… what that is.” 

I cross my arms in front of myself. “So what if it is? Not all math is bad, Bray.” 

Bray’wen looks down at me, glowering. “Luk’ah! How many times…” Her lips curl. “We agreed. No path back to AGI.”  

I look up at her, willing her to understand. “I’m not the only one thinking about this, Bray. The government… “ I pause, then continue quietly. “Do you really want this government to build it?” I gesture around the tent, ripped in three places. My eyes linger on the heating unit, the empty gas canisters next to it. “This government, Bray?”  

Her stare is deadly. “This is crazy talk, Luk’. What if you cause another accident? What makes you think you’re not just going to make things worse again? You, of all people, know how dangerous this technology is.” 

Her eyes meet mine. “What did you give them?”

Her words float past me. I don’t try to grab them. “If the military builds it they will train it for surveillance. You know that. How could it be benevolent if all we train it for is violence and control?”

Bray’wen grimaces. “Even if that’s true…” She strokes her throat. “Why would it have to be you? What.. gives you the right to put our family at risk? Tell me what you promised them.”

Bile rises from my stomach. “I’m not, Bray. Putting us at risk. It was just the one proof. I’m… It wasn’t even anything I’m particularly good at.”

Her blue eyes pierce mine. “You were the best back then.”

The sleeping bag is plasticky, almost sticky, under my hands. “It’s not serious, Bray. I swear.” 

She draws in a sharp breath. “Don’t you dare lie to me, Luk.” Her eyes slide to the bulky paper notebook underneath my cot. “I saw your notes. You’ve been working on this for months.”

The hole in my right boot gapes at me. Silence stretches out between us like a rubber band. 

“Are you insane?” Bray’wen snaps. “You’re helping the resistance build another AGI! What about Lee’ah?” She gives a little broken sob. “They’ve been burning mathematicians in the countryside.” Then she touches the swelling of her stomach. “What about the baby, Luk’?”

A memory rushes past my inner eye threatening to spill out as tears. The white marbelite spires of Paris’ largest university. Before. 

“You fool!” Bray’wen raises her voice. “Think about what happens next! Talk to me, you stupid…”

She grabs my hand, but I pull it away. My gaze trails the floor, unable to meet hers. “It’s nothing, really. Just some notes.”

Bray’wen takes in a sharp breath. I watch her face, the wrinkles that have formed between her eyes. Her rounded stomach, just beginning to show the new life that’s growing inside of her. Thoughts race through my body, hot and cold. 

“Tell me.” Her voice is even now, and dangerously quiet. “I want the truth!”

I draw the paper notebook out from under my cot, studying it. On the outside the brown paper is non-descript, giving nothing away. On the inside it contains everything I believe in. 

I meet my wife’s stare head-on. “This isn’t proof of anything”, I say, gesturing at the notebook. My voice is freezing. “You can’t tell me who to be.”

Bray’wen balls her hands into fists. “You’re a lier” she spits out. Then she starts throwing our belongings into her government issued pack. Her jacket. Lee’ah’s stuffed monkey. She faces me, her eyes full of tears. “I’m leaving”, she says. “We’re leaving.”

I watch her silently as she shoulders her pack and walks away.