Group Training

“Welcome guys” Mara says. We’re at Julian and Mara’s apartment, across the street from the office Julian and I have been meeting in. We’re on the fourth floor, and the living room has large windows with a view of Lake Merritt and the Oakland skyline. Turns out the two are dating, and are, in fact, living together. They make an interesting couple. Julian softens when Mara is around, as if something in him relaxes. He becomes playful, and affectionate. The living room we’re sitting in is beautiful, with a brick fireplace and wooden floors. There’s not a lot of furniture in it. We’re sitting on floor cushions around a low Japanese coffee table. A grand piano takes up one of the corners of the large room. Three house plants occupy a wall shelf that also houses a small stack of books. Otherwise the room is bare. I wonder if they’re minimalists, or have just moved in and haven’t had time to unpack. 

“Welcome Leia and Nate” says Julian. Nate is with me today. I invited him after our last conversation in the woods. Part of me is nervous about what he’ll think about Julian and Mara. And what Julian and Mara will think of him. Nate is sitting across from me, looking out the windows, at the lake. He smiles at Julian. Nate never seems to feel a great need to use too many words. I’m the opposite, chattering too much when I’m nervous. “Hi Julian, hi Mara!” I say. “Thanks for having us.” They nod. Mara pours us tea from a large tea pot. The tea cups are very small, matching the Japanese table. I feel pampered somehow, sitting here, despite the fact that there isn’t any furniture. 

“How is everyone today?” Asks Mara. “Let’s start by doing a little check-in, where we say how we’re feeling, what’s alive for us right now and where we feel that in our bodies.” I take a deep breath, relaxing and softening a little at this suggestion. That seems like a very nice and considerate thing to do. “I’ll go first”, says Mara. “I feel excited, and a little nervous doing this session today. We haven’t really tried this format before and I hope it works. My belly feels a little swirly, and there’s a humming in my shins. I’m glad you all are here.” I smile warmly, appreciating her vulnerability. It feels very different from what I’m used to from other trainings. I trust Mara and Julian, and the intimacy of the setting. “I feel relaxed”, I say. “Warm in my belly. Like I’m welcome here. A little nervous in my chest.” Mara smiles at me.

“I wanted to do an exercise today”, Mara tells us. “Let’s pair up. Julian, you can work with Nate. I’ll work with Leia.” Her choice of pairing makes me feel taken care of. I don’t like it when, in workshops, you have to find your own partner. It always stresses me out. Like you’re in middle school PE class and at risk for being picked last for the volleyball teams. Mara continues. “I want to see whether we can teach you guys to track how you are energetically affecting another person. When I do this I pay attention to my sense of what kind of touch feels safe. Every person has an energetic boundary, and energetic negotiation has to take place at that boundary. If you move inside of the boundary without negotiation then the other person will do something like flinch.” I nod. This makes sense to me. Nate also is paying rapt attention to Mara. His attention feels curious, but also okay with not knowing. It feels relaxing to watch him take in information.

“For now I want to see whether you guys can find someone else’s energetic boundary. Then we can start talking about energetic negotiation after that.” She looks around the room. “Julian, do you want to try explaining some more about the boundary?” Julian nods. He seems comfortable having everyone’s attention placed on him. “When doing energy work, we’re interacting with the other person’s sense of self.” He says. “Sometimes the sense of self takes the shape of the physical body, but not always. We’re all constantly reshaping our energetic self-concept, depending on the context we’re in. This is a very normal thing. When we’re driving a car, for example, our energetic self concept may expand to include the car. When we’re writing with a pen it may include the pen. You get the idea. Given that the self-concept has this fluctuating shape there is a fluctuating boundary. We’re looking for this boundary. Most of us have an implicit sense of this. We know how close to stand to someone, for example. What’s ‘their’ space, the space we shouldn’t enter without negotiating first. Try using that as the starting point.” Mara pours all of us another cup of tea.

Mara demonstrates on me how to find the energetic boundary. She gently touches the space around my body with the backside of her hand. In some spots she actually touches my body, at the wrists, ankles, ellbows and knees. Her movements are specific, her attention tuned to something I can’t see. It does feel somehow like she is touching me, even though her hand mostly doesn’t make contact with my body. It feels fascinating. When it’s my turn I try to mimic her pattern. I turn my hand, with the backside facing her body, holding it loosely, as if assessing the space between us. I let my eyes take on the slightly vacant, inwardly turned shape hers had. Where does her space begin? “Notice your expectations”, Mara advises. “You know where you can go. You already know what will cause me to flinch.” I can tell that she is using the word ‘flinch’ very generally. It makes sense though. I do have a sense of what will cause her to subtly want to get away from me. What will make us less safely together.

I keep moving my hand towards her body, her arm. I’m moving slowly, a few milimeters at a time. I don’t want to miss the edge she is talking about. My hand wants to stop just before fully touching her arm. Two of my fingers are lightly touching the fabric of her hoodie, a few centimeters away from her actual body. I stop. Moving further would feel bad, like there’s a subtle force field that’s protecting her, somehow pushing back on my hand. It’s so subtle, it almost feels imaginary. Mara nods. “Good”, she says. “You got it.”

On the way back home Nate and I get to compare notes. He seems contemplative as we walk. It’s nice that Julian and Mara are in walking distance, even though some of the path is steeply uphill. I’m a little out of breath, walking next to Nate, who has much longer legs than I do. “What was that like for you?” I ask probingly. “That was really, really cool”, he says. We both grin.

Back at home Sarah is waiting for us. She has ingredients pulled out for cooking. Burritos, it looks like. “There you are”, she says. “You’re late.” I nod. “Yeah, things went a bit longer than I thought”. Sarah hands me the onions to chop. She has peeled them already. Somehow the naked onions seem… judgmental. Like they’re supposed to draw my attention to the fact that I’m late and unreliable. Sarah sits down on the chair across from me, leaving Nate to stand at the counter chopping bell peppers. He seems uncomfortable. 

“The workshop was really great” I tell Sarah. “Yeah?” she says and her tone sound weird. There’s something about her hands, as she is chopping the tomatoes. A red energy, dark red, like dried blood. It seems sort of gooey and stretchy, like it would snap back into shape if you pulled it. “You okay?” I ask Sarah. “Yeah”, she says. “Of course.” I look at the dark red energy in her hands. “Do I look okay?” The energy says sarcastically. “You guys just left me behind to go to that stupid workshop. Like you think you’re better than me.” I feel taken aback. Then I look at Nate, to see if he sees what I see. He has his back turned as if annoyed. 

“Hey”, I say to the dark red energy. “I love you. You’re my best friend.” The energy growls back at me. “Great friend you are. I haven’t seen you all week. And you missed crafts night, too.” I grimace guiltily. I’ve been so busy with training and work, I’d totally forgotten about crafts night. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around this week” I say out loud to Sarah. She looks at me sharply. It’s probably the first real eye contact we’ve made since I walked in. She does look angry now. Or hurt. The energy in her hands is red now, like blood from a fresh wound. “I’m sorry” I say again, touching her hand. She takes a long hard breath in, sighing on the outbreath. The energy retreats back into her body. “Okay”, Sarah says quietly. She seems equal parts comforted and defeated. 

When we bring the burrito ingredients to the table Murphy joins us for dinner. “How was today’s quackery?” He asks brightly. Nate and I grin. “It was pretty great”, Nate says. Murphy shakes his head and sighs dramatically. “You guys” he says. Sarah smiles and all of us start handing around bowls and plates as we assemble our burritos. I feel glad to be doing something mundane. Glad that the tension has at least been temporarily dispelled. The burritos are delicious, as always, and we talk about small things as we eat, laughing and joking, with only a small undercurrent of unease.