Energy Healing Session

I’m sitting in Julian’s office, watching a moth sputter energetically. The moth bounces off a wall, dusts herself off, flutters on, then hits another wall. Julian is watching me watch the moth. I seem to be distractable. I wonder idly whether the moth gets dizzy when she hits the wall. Whether she intends to hit the wall or is simply reacting to unpredictable circumstances. Maybe we’re all just reacting to unpredictable circumstances. Julian’s attention is steadfast, unwavering. His eyes never lose track of me. He radiates moving silence. Part of me wants to lose itself in Julian’s silence. 

We haven’t spoken much in the last few minutes. We often don’t speak for long stretches of time during these sessions. Words can confuse the mind, and interactions can become unresponsive and misleading. I’m learning to track my compulsions to say things, to react. Compulsions displease Julian and too many missteps in a row will lead to sessions ending early. 

Today we’re focusing on something that blocks energy from flowing into my third eye. I have a pronounced forehead tension that matches the energetic block. The tension feels familiar, yet amplified. In fact I am developing a bit of a headache. I wonder idly whether I am giving myself wrinkles. Whether the already existing wrinkles between my eyebrows will go away if we dissolve the energetic block. 

With the energy work come the memories. Julian asks me to lie down on the medical massage table. It makes a slight burr, bzz sound as he adjusts the height. Sitting next to my head he touches my forehead with his fingertips. My vision changes, becomes brighter. The headache fades. His fingers are slightly cold, long and gentle. I start to cry. 

Part of me remembers being young. My parents, my brother, home after school. Brillilant. Proud. I remember shrinking into the background, not wanting to draw any attention. They never said anything. They didn’t have to. It’s their silence, more than anything, that tells me I am a disappointment. My body shakes a little as I feel into these long-forgotten events. I don’t like feeling them. It seems disloyal. My parents are good parents.

Julian touches my sternum, drawing my attention. He looks into me and the feelings shift.